Heels in the Men's Room

This has happened to me a couple of times in the past month. In our office building, women's restrooms are found on odd floors and men's restrooms are on the even floors. I work on the ninth floor, meaning I have to walk upstairs or downstairs whenever I need to answer a bodily request. Not a hard concept.

Ten has always been my floor of choice, but I've been trying out eight as of late - and eight is where all of this happened.

I was in a stall going about my normal business when I heard the door open very slowly.

"Hello?" The voice was high pitched, shrill and effeminate. "Is anybody in here?"

I froze. Was I in the wrong restroom? Had I walked down one too many flights of stairs in an early morning stuper? I peeked through the crack in the stall door and saw the men's urinal. I was momentarily relieved. What the hell was happening?

My first reaction should have been to shout "YEAH!", but I was busy checking if I was mistakenly using the women's restroom.

Then it happened.

Click... Clack... Click... Clack...

Pink toenails in pink heels. Right there. Walking across the tile with all the stealth, caution and calculated risk a soldier takes when crossing a field of land mines... and into the stall next to me.

Could she not walk up or down one measly flight of stairs? Yeah, someone is in here, honey. You'll find out soon when I flush this damn thing. Was she nursing? Was she newly transgendered? Still using the men's room, huh?

So I flushed much to her surprise. The timid little gasp on the other side of the stall wall led me to believe she was embarrassed. But the next week it almost happened again. Almost.

"Hello? Is anybody in here?"

"YES! ME! I AM IN HERE!"

No click clacking. She patiently waited outside for her turn to use the men's restroom while I deliberately stalled. I exited and saw here standing there. Waiting, moving past me when I headed for the stairs. I stopped in the lobby and could hear her put down the toilet seat.

But she didn't ask if anyone else was in the restroom.

Trying to Eat

A ghastly sight is one of my coworkers eating. Or trying to eat. It's like watching a burn victim try to snake a tube down her own throat: unfamiliar and painful.

For her, eating is a slow, lethargic process that's open to the public. It almost looks like she hasn't been doing it for very long. Here, let me help you shovel that fork full of salad into that tiny little skull of yours, you beast. You're scaring everyone in the conference room. How have you made it this far in life? I'm getting you a bib. The last report I gave you was handed back to me with a dollop of salsa on it. Not cool. Not what I ordered.