I Can See Clearly Now, My Hair is Gone!

I can see all obstacles in my way!

Except for obstacles that just aren't visible (aka invisible), of course. Bias; hatred; viruses; gale-force winds; glass ceilings impeding the upward mobility of long-haired, middle-aged men in the workplace. You know, obstacles of that nature. Can't exactly see those now, can I? But then again, neither can you. For the rest of 'em, all of those seeable obstructions out there, I will be aware of them miles in advance. This race of life has a new harbinger, folks.

God this rules.

Tonight I had my first haircut in something like nine months. I could have had a baby by now, if only I were a woman. But I'm a man, so I chose to grow my hair out over the span of nine months to pay homage to all of you new and expecting mothers out there. This was not nearly as glamours or rewarding or pretty as what you've all got cooking and going on up in there, but it made me feel sort of important. To myself, anyway. And that's pretty important to me.

Anyway, the woman who cut my hair was very nice and asked why I was even cutting my hair in the first place (!) - she actually liked it the way it was. All fluffy and mangy and uncontrollable and long and poking me in the eye and mouth like that. Apparently she was into that sorta thing. Ugh, just my luck. I almost up and left.

So she gets through cutting my hair and all that jazz, like five pounds of my head now sitting in my lap and on the floor, and I start to feel confident - in strange, unfamiliar ways - with my new do. So what did my new do and I do? Well, we figured we would "get the party started" with the new style we'll be sporting for my next approximate pregnancy, and I elected to ask this woman out on a date, outside of the salon, what with her being a hair dresser and me with my newly chopped hair and all (cut by the very same person I would be dating, mind you, which equals a cuteness factor of gag-me-with-a-spoon, according to leading market analysts). Yeah, seemed like a good idea at the time, but get this: she said no because she is a lesbian! I know, right?! I believe her exact words were, "No, I'm a lesbian." The humanity. Honestly.

Just kidding. Or am I?

5 comments:

Kyle Funk said...

I'm trying to calculate the odds that she's actually a lesbian, but my head is warning me that it might blow a gasket if I forge ahead in this endeavor.

Melissa in SF :) said...

We need pictures, Dave!

ClizBiz said...

Agree with Melissa - we need some before/after evidence.

I'm just glad you didn't respond to her in the usual male fashion: "Hey, that's great! Bring your girlfriend along - we'll make it a threesome."

mundane affair said...

ha! ok. pic is on facebook for y'all.

Jes said...

Heather - I second your comment re: response!

Dave - hilarious, as usual. And I have two comments: one - hair stylists are usually right in terms of what looks good (mine barely consults me anymore and just goes for it) and 2 - I'm a huge advocate of unruly dude hair.

Good luck with your second child! :)