For the Nth Time: Pigeons

I've already written too much about pigeons, but I must write about them some more. I've simply learned that much over the past month. Things you should know:
  1. Studies (my studies) show that pigeons have a short-term memory of, on average, six seconds. While this does not sound like a long time, it, yeah, turns out it's really not that long of a time at all. To show this one pigeon just how stubborn I can be, I scared him (going to assume they're all male here) from my windowsill approximately 20 times in a two-minute span. Each time he acted all, "What?", like he had never seen me before. It went something like this: Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!
  2. I have refined my scare-off tactics based on pigeon response. Today, I lock eyes with the offending pigeon, crouch and slowly spread out my arms like an attacking predator might, or like I might if I had wings. If the windows are open and I feel like throwing in a little somethin' extra, I will also hiss, like my pet cat might if she were a puma. Nine times out of 10 this works. But then they come back. (See No. 1)
  3. If I remain at the window after I've scared them off, I can clearly see the pigeons poking their heads out from the rooftop, craning their fat, little necks to see if I am still there. It takes them a really long time to notice I am standing in the same place, right in front of the window, but when they realize it they pull away like lightning - almost as if those past 10 seconds of us making eye contact never even happened.
  4. Within this particular flock of pigeons that nests in/on/around my apartment, I know which are the smartest, and which are the dumbest. I recognize them on an individual basis, and could pick one out of a lineup if I needed to (and I might, have to). I could even recommend which ones need a bath the most. God, some of them are so dirty it's ridiculous. When they're not partying at my place they've got to be hanging out at Jiffy Lube or something.
  5. Outside of Clarence, I have not given any of the pigeons names.
  6. I have stared deep into a pigeon's eyes, and I can tell you there is nothing there. This is officially the world's dumbest animal, folks.
  7. In a fit of rage, I once burned through an entire tray of ice cubes on a pair of pigeons that wouldn't scram.
  8. My landlord actually recommended I fill a spray bottle with bleach to, "See how they like that? Not so much, eh?"
  9. I have not tried No. 8, yet.
  10. I have interacted with pigeons for a long, long time now, and I still cannot list a single benefit they bring to this earth. Is there one? Because if there is it's lost on me. Unless it's screwing with people and getting them to spend time writing about pigeons. They're pretty good at that.

4 comments:

Desperado said...

my guess is: the bird has a crush on you! so, don't try the bleach - except when you like blonds. :-)

Jes said...

I respect this post, as a fellow pidgeon loather. Ugh, they are horrible, dirty awful creatures. Ugh. Sorry they choose to party at casa Wendland!! I heard SF tried to curb the pidgeon pop with falcolns, but I don't think it worked as there's still far too many for comfort.

mundane affair said...

pigeon loathers, unite! i'd much rather have a falcon problem. they're pretty and not pesty.

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