Lifetime Hates Men, but Men Probably Hate Lifetime More

Any man who has ever been in a relationship with a woman has at some point been subjected to watching Lifetime Television - for several hours on end, usually on a random Sunday. If for some reason this has not happened to you, pay close attention, for the following will save you future shock, awe and revelation.

She will be surfing around aimlessly and somewhere between the Disney Channel and ABC Family she will land upon a Made-for-Lifetime Movie. Starting then, the remote will not be touched for at least three hours, depending on what point you have entered the programming.

You poor bastard.

Whichever program you are coerced into watching, this will be the overarching message: men are horrible, horrible creatures (pigs). The series of events it takes to reach this conclusion is irrelevant. On Lifetime, it always ends up here. So don't be alarmed.

Comprehensive analysis of Made-for-Lifetime Movies reveals that only two basic plot lines actually exist. They also form the basis of everything ever aired on Lifetime (excluding some commercials, of course).

Plot One

Main woman is in a seemingly happy relationship with a semi-wealthy to wealthy man, who nine times out of 10 has black hair and a goatee. One day woman grows suspicious of man when one or more of the following happens:

1. Man says he will be "held up late at the office because of the upcoming board meeting and the boss is breathing down my neck."

2. She finds another woman's lipstick on the collar of his white dress shirt.

3. He claims to be away on business, but after an amateur investigation and/or pursuit, woman discovers man to be in the arms of another woman, at a motel very close to their home town.

Again, not important. Man's plan is foiled and he now tries to kill woman. He always drives a black Lincoln. Due to man's careless nature and susceptibility to let testosterone get the best of him, he fails, and woman ends up killing man in self-defense. If she has a child they move far, far away to start anew. If she is not a mother, she moves in with her own mother to mend.

Conclusion: men are horrible, horrible creatures who kill women (if necessary).

Pretty intense stuff to be near the Disney Channel, no?

Plot Two

Main woman is successful, independent and of the upper-middle class. She either is ill with or has recently fought and overcome breast cancer. She oft reflects on the several serious relationships she has had in her lifetime (no pun intended), but that have failed to materialize into anything permanent. She wears dark-rimmed glasses and has four close girlfriends.

Her best friend sets her up on a blind date with a loose acquaintance of hers - "a friend of a friend." To her own disbelief, the date goes surprisingly well and she ends up falling in love with "Mr. Right." The couple is happier than ever when things take a turn for the worse.

Over a bottle of red wine, an argument ensues and man strikes woman. It is not yet evening. When she regains consciousness it is the next day and she has trouble piecing together the previous night's events. Then she notices the cuts and bruises on her neck and arms. She concludes she has been abused. She is about to go to the police when she receives threats from man not to do so, or else there will be "repercussions." Her friends encourage her to do so anyway.

So she does. Mid phone call or en route to the police station, there is a struggle between her and man, usually in her own home or on the side of the road, in the woods, at dusk, in the rain. Either way glass is somehow broken. She kills man in self-defense.

Conclusion: men are horrible, horrible creatures who beat women (if necessary).

To the directors of Lifetime Television: are you feminist lesbians or twice-divorced straight women with an undying hatred for people with penises? My guess is the latter since every woman ever featured on Lifetime Television is straight.

Can you imagine if there was a channel like this for men? I mean, there's plenty of stuff out there that objectifies women - but what about an entire channel where the target viewership is sensitive males and plots feature backstabbing women who lie, cheat, connive and steal from men and men are left with no other choice but to kill women in self-defense?

It just doesn't seem possible.

So grab a beer and get comfortable, guys. It's gonna be a long one. Just remember: you're not that bad.

For a parting thought, I'll leave you with this: I recently discovered that Lifetime is actually an acronym. The underlying message? Like, I Freaking Envy The Instant Men Existed.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! But my wife did not laugh, however the cyanide in her drink will fix that......

will said...

You forgot the plot where the main woman unsuspectingly marries a man with a criminal past who fakes his own death and frames her for the murder while stealing all the savings and children. After several years in prison, she's paroled, finds out her husband faked his death and gets back at him with an overly elaborate revenge.

Anonymous said...

Lifetime Movie Network is filled with N.O.W. fem-nazis who all teach women that all fathers are abusive. This is how 99 oercent of women are scared into becoming lesbians or single moms-they are scared into believing the vicious and hateful lies of the Lifetime Movie Network.I'd strongly6 encourage ALL womne to keep calling and emailing the Lifetime movie Network and tell them to stop portraying all husbands and fathers as abusive bastards. In the meantime,I strongly urge everyone to call your cable or satellite provider and tell them to drop Lifetime Movie Network for good. Write to anyone who sponsors LMN and tell them you will boycott their products unless they stop sponsoring the hate of LMN. Hit LMN where it really hurts-in their pockets. Also don't be afraid to publicly shme LMN or spread the message that LMN is a hate network. LMN needs to stop their hatred of men and fathers for good.

Anonymous said...

I'm not allowed to watch lifetime or my husband beats me. He took our daughters college fund and used it to buy booze and drugs. Last week I caught him cheating on me, when enough was enough I told my friends and they suggested I just move on. So I planned on moving far away without him knowing. But I knew I had to come up with an elaborate plan so I had to keep calm while I schemed. However, during a gaming night of monopoly my husband finally snapped when he found out I had been reading and learning. One thing lead to another, it turned into a violent struggle. And in self defense I stabbed him with a jagged piece of plastic that had broken off my daughters Barbie Dream House.

Anonymous said...

Reported!!

Anonymous said...

MY HUSBAND HAD ME ABDUCTED BY ILLEGAL ALIENS AND SOLD OUR DAUGHTER INTO SLAVERY TO POWER HIS TIVO ADDICTION

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing because the person posting above me is my wife.

Josh Powell said...

Agreed. I was just telling my sister and aunties about how lifetime is the Network for man haters. This blog is one of the greatest pieces of writing of this generation.

As I read aloud the basic plot descriptions, the passing lifetime movie showed a woman kill a man in self defense, then there was a black haired nice guy, who turned out to be evil. PLOT #1

I think it was called "In The Dark" but I'm not certain.

Danial Howe said...

I love the fact i hear so many of you echoing my sentiments. I railed agaist this crap for years and was made to feel like an asshole because i wouldnt tollerate it... how vindicated i feel to see im far from alone in my opinion

Hate isnt strong enough word for my feelings toward this shitty channel. My ex wife wasted so many sundays soaking in hour after hour of what i term BOO HOO TUBE programs that she lost track of reality and started "acting out" the things shed see... sick...just sick...

So just shy of 20 years marriage it ended... topped by her smashing her own face on the concrete during a custody discussion ( in full view of our children mind you ) all in a psudo attempt to portray herself as the abused woman....

rot in hell lifetime tv

my advice to others... have this channel ( along with WE TV ) filtered out of your cable package. ..or better yet, just cut the cord altogether!