Timber!

So I broke my first chair. And let me tell you, there's nothing quite like taking something so commonplace for granted - such as your seat - and then spontaneously plummeting toward the earth... all before 9 a.m.

Talk about a rude awakening.

Sad story. This, probably the culmination of my weight, has been a strange and trying time. Truth be told, there is probably no way to feel good about breaking a chair, especially an office chair that was designed for long-term use by fatsos. Yes, it seems I, too, have taken durability to school. And it don't feel all that great.

While reading the newspaper, I suddenly found myself staring at the ceiling, falling backward, to the side, then down, down, down, until finally the ground was left with no other option than to try its turn at holding me up.

Now, it's one thing to break a chair, and it's another thing to break a chair in a crowded conference room. People tend to notice something like this. Those astute pricks. Carry on! Pay me no mind! So what if the ass of this chair is now detached from the body? I don't know how I did it, but I did it! I'm gonna pick myself up off the floor now, and when my head breaks the surface of this table, it would be swell if I didn't see 12 faces staring at me, k?

Buuuuut no. There you all are. Hi! Yeah, it was me. The chair is now broken. Good morning to you!