A Flurry of Flurries

The McFlurry. Ever had one? I used to be obsessed. Obsessed to the point where I'd crave a McFlurry at the most random, inconvenient moments.

Per the McDonald's
Wikipedia entry, the McFlurry is described as "...a vanilla ice cream dessert that has pieces of candy, fruit or cookies mixed into it." The McFlurry is available in "most of its markets."

Well what happened here? Most of its markets?! Ronald, this is utter blasphemy. Why not all of its markets? Or every market that ever existed anywhere? Are you trying to ration the supply of McFlurry goodness to create a swelling demand for the tasty treat? Praying for a bull market, Ronald? Come on. Ya ain't no Greenspan. You're a frigging clown. No, this McFlurry thing of yours needs to be sold everywhere. On street corners, Ronald. On street corners!

My most memorable McFlurry experience occurred whilst pulling an all-nighter for an exam in college. Once my system came down from the sugar and caffeine comatose that Monster had wrought on my synapses, I found myself craving something sweet (shock!). But what could possibly be open at 3:45 a.m.?

You guessed it.

The only soul on the road, I clenched the wheel with sweaty palms and envisioned how great my McFlurry would be. Hell, the late-night McDonald's crew was probably up mixing its finest batch of vanilla soft-serve ice cream, ready and waiting for me to valiantly place my order.

"Welcome to McDonald's. How may I help you?"

"A McFlurry! I'd like one, please! With Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Woo!"

I was getting ready to devour my McFlurry. I paid and pulled forward and waited patiently for them to perfect my dessert. I envisioned all four employees participating in the making of my McFlurry - each taking handfuls of Peanut Butter Cups and sprinkling them in at the most precise places, dancing around in a tribal circle as they achieved the optimal balance of creamy vanilla and chocolatey, peanut buttery sweetness.

This was going to rule. I might just park at the window and eat the McFlurry in front of them so they could witness how happy they were about to make me.

And then something magical happened. The window slid open and an employee leaned out with not ONE but, wait for it, TWO (count: two!) McFlurries!

"Two McFlurries, sir?"

"Yes! Yes, that's my order!"

I never found out if they had messed up my order or were just really bored and could sense how excited I was to have a McFlurry and made two. But I ate both in 25 minutes. It was disgusting. In fact, I almost didn't make it to my exam because of the intestinal pain the quart of dairy put me through.

Can one acquire lactose intolerance? Because I think I did.

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