One, Two, Too Many Toothbrushes

Have you been to a drug store lately? Good grief! I think searching for used cars is an easier task. At least you get to test drive them.

Who knew finding the right toothbrush would be such a time-consuming process that requires detailed comparison and deliberation? Shouldn't something so commonplace and essential be just as easy to select?

Um, no.

There are literally hundreds of options when it comes to toothbrushes. And they all do one thing and one thing only (ready?): clean your teeth! They don't even floss for you or ask you if that feels OK or take X-rays or administer fluoride or schedule your next dentist appointment or give you a little smiley-face sticker to wear on your shirt. What a ripoff.

So why are there so many kinds? There should be, like, two models max: soft bristles or firm. I'm all for that particular differentiator, but none of the others. Manual, electric, hybrid, battery-powered, solar-powered, diesel - the list goes on. Long-reaching, deep-cleaning, stain-removing, gum-massaging, tongue-scrubbing, molar-forming, tiered-bristling, ergonomic-fitting, etc. Oh, and just when you think you've narrowed it down they throw colors into the mix. Red, orange, green or leopard-print? Maybe silver?

And why don't all toothbrushes have the ADA seal of approval? Nothing is worse than ending up with one that doesn't. You mean to tell me the ADA does not recommend this model? Well crap, this thing might actually give me cavities.

Wait, what if all the ADA-approved toothbrushes sitting on shelves are really non-ADA-approved toothbrushes, in a ploy by the ADA to keep herding tartar-infested heads into dentists' offices? Awesome marketing scheme right there, no? This might explain why certain toothbrushes at local Walgreens stores are kept in secured glass showcases as if they were high-end stereo equipment or video games. Yes, these must be the ADA-approved toothbrushes. They certainly wouldn't want your average Joe being able to easily access such a device that could rid him of all his dental ailments, now, would they? No. They would make no money off of him! So they make it inconvenient for Joe and encourage Joe to purchase one of the lesser, "floor-friendly" models because none of the staff is willing to unlock the showcase for him.